In high school, I would make the short drive back home during
lunch period. Sure, this was partially inspired by my anti-social constitution,
but I also much preferred my mother’s leftover casseroles to whatever greased
slop the cafeteria palmed off as food. While microwaving said leftovers, though,
I would routinely inhale an ice cream sandwich and a handful of Cheez-Its
simultaneously. It never occurred to me that such a habit was strange—I had a
limited amount of time and wanted to cram as much variety in those minutes as
possible. Enough to offset my mild aversion for eating leftovers, at least.
George Steinbrenner may have enjoyed eggplant calzones every single day, but
such uniformity in gestation is unconscionable to me. For my birthday lunch, my
loving wife presented a spread that included shrimp cocktail, three types of cheese,
pistachios, potato chips, and Sour Patch Kids. I was so thrilled that I forgave
the kalamata olives for their noted absence. When it comes to eating, I want
options and variety.
When writing or speaking, I also want more options. I enjoy the
complexity and variety. Some prefer simplicity and limitations when it comes to
language, and Twitter is the best and most salient current example. Verbal or written expression
can be very challenging, and I understand opting for whatever makes things
easier. At some point in time, unfortunately, having a vocabulary became downright uncool. As a society, we don’t have trouble praising other forms of intelligence or skills
with a given craft, but a demonstrated aptitude with words may rub people the
wrong way. Groupthink determined at some point that saying words like “banal” was pompous, elitist,
gratuitous, or pretentious. Particularly
when you’re a teenager, use of elevated vocabulary is as much an act of social
suicide as joining the North Shore mathletes.
A lot of times, all that a vocabulary really indicates is that you've
done a lot of reading. People have pointedly informed me that I “don’t have to”
use big words, but some of us enjoy vocabulary like others might enjoy
gardening, knitting, or braining the undead in video games. Incorporating new
words into your speech might be as satisfying as throwing a touchdown pass,
though some would prefer to liken it more to spinning a basketball—needlessly flashy and
pointless.
Instead of accepting the social reprisals I willingly incur (and have in
the past)[1]
for saying “you slay me” instead of “that’s funny,” I’m here to fight fire with
fire. Yes, dear reader, many popular words and expressions – adopted for comic
purposes or the sake of simplicity – offend me and are corrosive to society at large.
When I feel the push for social dialogue to mirror that exchanged by the vapid
characters in “How I Met Your Mother” or “Friends,” I get a bit edgy and have
no intention of sitting idly by. A few particular items gained enough cache to
transform into memes, and they are forced down our unwilling throats like so many Channing
Tatum films.
The terrorists, as it turns out, were craftier than we ever imagined.
We’ve been looking for anthrax and WMDs while they’ve slyly waylaid us with a
far shrewder incursion. If you use any of the following words and expressions,
I’m sorry to tell you that you are a victim and, unfortunately, part of the
problem.
The List
Before I begin, I want to acknowledge that many of the items
on this list are merely common, stock expressions people use when they want to
share something on social media. They represent the freeway that enables your
thoughts to reach someone else. Viewed this way, none of the following are
inherently inferior to any other available means of expression. All of my
criticism is personal and subjective, and the fact that I’m even moved to write
about this subject probably makes me a bit crazy. In truth, I feel a bit like this guy. Proceed with
all due caution. Probably some undue caution, too.
1. That Awkward Moment
The tour de force of the terrorists’ linguistic jihad, this
one has done so much damage that it serves as the namesake for an upcoming
movie.[2]
If the film stays true to popular use, expect for star Zac Efron to endure the
gamut of encountering an ex girlfriend, arriving to a meeting with mismatched
socks, and debating a Holocaust denier at a bar mitzvah. The only thing those
examples have in common? That each of them can somehow be expressed through
TAM.[3]
When people invoke the word awkward, they
usually mean something else, or something much more specific. While they may merely intend to convey some dramatized form of discomfort, more often they mean
to project that a certain situation either a) is amusing or b) evokes a strong
emotional response. Awkward somehow morphed into an incredibly flexible catchall word by which people present any
experience they find Facebook worthy.
There are other words at your disposal. Use them.
The above illustrates my point perfectly. This isn’t any more awkward
than Florida Gulf Coast advancing to the Sweet 16. It may have seemed wildly
improbable at one point in time, but the fact that it happened makes you
uncomfortable?
2. Really? Seriously?
Believe it or not, incredulity can be expressed in other ways. I get it, though.
This one is meant to serve as a rhetorical question, suggesting that an unfortunate
event or someone’s behavior is beneath characterizing with adjectives. And that’s
pretty bad.
3. Boss (adj.)
I focus here on “that was pretty boss” as distinct from “How
ya doin’, boss?” though both may as well be Nickleback harmonized with babies
crying against a chorus of people vomiting. How “boss” emerged from the
innumerable corpses of slang words generally meaning “good,” I’ll never
understand. Give me tight, on point, or even noice ahead of boss.[4]
4. That ___, tho.
Here, I must confess that I probably don’t get it. Though (tho) can signify a change in topics or focus (e.g. "I think we should discuss our budget, though") or a counter to something
(e.g. “Channing was good in Coach Carter,
though”). As a conjunction, though can
mean “in spite of the fact.” I’m not sure that this meme necessarily serves any
of these functions, however. Mostly, I gather that it means X is good, or I plan to do X.
“That dunk, though.”
“About to eat this rack of ribs, though.”
Both examples are devoid of any context whatsoever, and that may be the entire
point—whatever is expressed is apropos of nothing, but apparently good enough
to transcend any context. Above any explanation, as it were.
***
I’m here to liberate you from these star-crossed expressions.
In lieu of a wizard’s staff and actual sorcery, I present the following case
for a lexicon not confined to 180 characters.
1) Humor
Unless you get your jollies from some troglodyte like Dane Cook,[5] it’s worth mentioning that much humor results from the gift of gab.
“There are all manner of lesser imps and demons, Pete, but
the great Satan hisself is red and scaly with a bifurcated tail, and he carries
a hayfork.” [O Brother, Where Art Thou]
Miles: Half my life is over and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing. I'am
thumbprint on the window of a skyscraper. I'm a smudge of excrement on a tissue
surging out to sea with a million tons of raw sewage.
Jack: See? Right there. Just what you just said. That is beautiful. 'A smudge of
excrement... surging out to sea.' [Sideways]
2) Eloquence for eloquence sake
It can be as pleasing to the ear as a fine melody.
3) A Means to an End
Your stock of words can be employed to attain a certain
objective. That’s right—words can help you get what you want! Do you want more
or fewer weapons in that arsenal?
Imagine bullets metaphorically here, and I think you’ll get
the idea. If you want more moving examples, consult some famous historical speeches.
Of course, there are other uses for so-called big words, but this really should suffice. If you do not see the clouds peeled back and feel vaguely
woozy from your erstwhile lexical enslavement, I’m afraid that you’re beyond elvish
medicine. To the rest of you: Breathe the free air, my friends.
[1]
Here’s an admission. It’s on me to determine whether my company and situation
will respond favorably or unfavorably to certain lexical items. However, I’d
like to mention that I was once mocked for saying “remarkable.” That, my
friends, is not on me.
[2]
One I won’t be viewing purely on principle, in case you were wondering. You
have to stand for something in this world.
[3] I
can’t bring myself to type it more than once.
[4]
These are some of the worst slang examples for “cool” that I could produce.
[5]
Heaven help you.
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